Sunday, July 17, 2011

heard it through the grapevine

grapes of wrath

...I think I've been barking up the wrong tree..the wrong grapevine..the wrong end of the rainbow.....it's obvious people are gonna drink and drive no matter what so why don't they just teach it in the driving courses..

and put it in the vehicle code under
Section 0.08...Drunk Driving...How to Navigate the Road while Under the Influence..
while most responsible people who value life choose to drive sober, we understand that a growing number of Americans enjoy driving while inebriated...hey let's face it, driving buzzed is a blast! If you can pass this simple written test after completing Section 0.08, you can drive drunk!

1. You may drive off of the paved roadway to pass another vehicle:

If the shoulder is wide enough to accommodate your vehicle
I go flying so high, when I'm stoned
Under no circumstances


2. You are approaching a railroad crossing with no warning devices and are unable to see 400 feet down the tracks in one direction. The speed limit is:

pedal to the metal mutherfuckers!!!
20 mph
25 mph


3. When parking your vehicle parallel to the curb on a level street:

Your front wheels must be turned toward the street.
Just get out while it's moving slow
One of your rear wheels must touch the curb.


4. When you are merging onto the freeway, you should be driving:

At or near the same speed as the traffic on the freeway.
Into the exit ramp!
The posted speed limit for traffic on the freeway.


5. When driving in fog, you should use your:

Fog lights only.
High beams.
Jim Beam.


congratulations .....you may now drive drunk!!

Saturday, July 16, 2011

scotch and soda...

cocktails?? people still drink cocktails??


ok so it looks like Peter "Mr DUI" Lance has hired an image consultant who is guiding him to the local Channel 17 conservative shows...his latest appearance was on "One on One with Jim Worthen aka Mr. Wimpy...


Mr Wimpy actually claimed that driving with Blood Alcohol Level of .20 is not a problem...no evidence that drunks are a problem on the road and Lance didn't even wince at that statement....well, how about Travis and Joe or that lady who killed a District Attorney on the Chumash Highway of Death...and countless other examples of drunk driving...drunk or DUI...same thing in my book...IMPAIRED! and they cried about all these people like MADD who want a zero tolerance for drinking and driving..they said that means you can't have a beer after work, or wine with dinner, or cocktails with friends...cocktails, do people still drink cocktails?? well, here's to you Mrs Robinson...
this Worthen guy is an absolute moron who can barely finish his sentences.. and when you have grown men trying to defend drunk driving, showing such abject ignorance, then you got a problem...the DA should use this episode as evidence of aiding and abetting MR. DUI....

so Lance is truly desperate now....going on these silly shows, telling his life story, the sob stories, his vast educational background, how his investigative journalism prowess has saved lives and on and on ad nauseum...he padded his resume to elicit sympathy.....but I axe ya, WTF does all this have to do with a DUI....these guys are alcohol ignoramuses! and just the kind of guys who look the other way when Catholic priests are molesting little boys..pathetic clowns
Lance is on a tear to clean up his image but he is also oral expulsive..talks talks and talks...the dude can't shut up..now I said last week that we need a Hanging Judge....someone to muzzle Lance and the News-Press and that's what Judge Brian Hill did...put a gag order on Lance and the News-Press! GOOD!!

Lance can cry all he wants after his trial but he says he's gonna print another series in the News-Press next week with the bloody Red Queen's money as protection although he claims it's his First Amendment right to print the stories..even though there's now a gag order..obeying the law seems to be a major inconvenience for these guys who I hope end up in jail for a spell...so we'll see if the News-Press is dumb enough to run the stories...and believe me they are stories...not an investigative report....Lance is afraid of the upcoming trial, afraid to face the music, afraid of Zona Seca....

I wonder how he's gonna feel about a big slobbery cell mate??

Friday, July 15, 2011

the Dubious Brothers...

All I know is just what I read in the papers, and that's an alibi for my ignorance. Will Rogers


ok so the News-Press is circling their Segways and dumbing down in efforts to prove they are right about publishing Peter Lance's DUI series....and saying they won't retract any of it even though the story was shot full of holes by Kasi Beutel's lawyers!! I can't swing a dead puppy now without hitting a lawyer!!

unfortunately for the News-Press, they got idiots running the place and writing editorials, with Terry Tyler calling Lance "inherently biased, a rat and a snitch"....while trying to defend him!
"The recent series of investigative articles regarding a Santa Barbara city police officer's character have been dismissed by many because the author had previously been arrested by the officer in question. The inherent bias created by the author's prior arrest, and pending court case, were prominently disclosed each time an article on the issue was published. Since the series ran, there have been hardly any comments from the Police Department, city officials, or the District Attorney's Office. I have made inquires regarding this situation, and the response has been....

but Lance didn't disclose in any of the articles that he was biased......in fact, he said he "had no vendetta and his probe began as a dispassionate exercise in truth finding".... but he did try to sell his books in the pages of the News-Press... this is all pure inept salesmanship

another gem from Tyler is he wants the cops to use Segways to patrol the streets of Santa Barbara...in this day of budget concerns would you want the cops on bicycles at about $500 per bike or on brand new Segway scooters where you can expect to pay in the range of $5,350 to over $6,900 each!


and then he goes on to say he talked with a "guy who works for the Downtown Organization cleaning the sidewalks and maintaining the planters" about the psychological makeup of homeless people!! he says the guy told him that 5% of the street people are mentally ill and conveniently, a homeless guy walked by and started cursing at them while they were discussing the homeless..now Tyler is full of shit and of course a homeless guy didn't curse them out...but he uses the homeless regularly for the Wendy's ultra-conservative herd political mentality...

always drink upstream from the herd....

Thursday, July 14, 2011

a man of constant sorrow...

I, Mick Von Caw, hereby issue retractions and apologies to everyone for everyting I've ever said and done in my life... my little life...I'm berry sobby...

for those of you who are drunk....I'll say it again

I, Mick Von Caw, hereby issue retractions and apologies to everyone for everyting I've ever said and done in my life... my little life...I'm berry sobby...


got ADD??

I, Mick Von Caw, hereby issue retractions and apologies to everyone for everyting I've ever said and done in my life... my little life...I'm berry sobby...

little sister

little sister don't you do what your big sister done...

I needed a break from the wet and reckless knuckleheads who have been usurping my time, so I was reading a catalogue and they had these Ernest Hemingway shoes on sale so I bought a few pair.. I like the Cuba vibe and the marlin fishing and the beach bum thing....a man's man, that was Hemingway....I pulled out the "Old Man and the Sea" and read it again in ten minutes....now, I like Hemingway although I think he writes like a 5 year old sometime.."the man saw ths fish, the fish saw the man, the ocean was dark and wet".....geez

but the real interest in the Hemingway name was the beautiful grand daughters..Margaux and Mariel....too bad the older sister died (drugs) so I just focused in on Mariel, who was cute in Woody Allen's film "Manhattan"...


but the thing is Mariel Hemingway is a total babe and now I'm wearing her grandfather's shoes...I'd much rather be wearing her panties but I gotta settle for papa's shoes and in my mind that gives me a chance to have sex with her...I can just picture us together and believe me my heart races when I think of her... like the the running of the bulls in Spain....that fast!
...i wonder if she likes polo.... i wonder if she reads this blog....why doesn't she get invited to the Film Festival? Instead we get Sandra Bullock...Sandra Bullock???

I think Mariel Heminway should be honored publicly...look at her....she's stunning...and last night I honored her privately...hehhehheh...

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

I had a dream last night...

what a wonderful dream it was

...that blonde woman was playing flute in the woods while I pranced around in a loin cloth like Tarzan.....

and that the News-Press issued a retraction on the Peter Lance DUI series after Kasi's lawyers cut Lance's story to pieces....

the retraction went something like this:

to our readers (if we have any left)

over the past month, I, Wendy Pee McCuckoo allowed my mutt editor Don Katich to publish a five-part series written by washed up jouralist Peter Lance...you see Peter was busted for DUI and decided to try to create a distraction while his trial was pending by smearing the cop who busted him..after a few mintues it was evident to nearly everyone except dumbass Don Katich that Lance was on the make, looking for a pigeon, a patsy, a lackey, a stooge and he found one in Don Katich....after some sweet talk by Lance, Katch got all googoo eyed and printed the story without checking anything, trusting that Lance must've been telling the truth because of all those Emmys he won and all those books he wrote .....


Well, Nipper and I fell for it too but we really couldn't do anything because we were in the middle of the Red Sea on my big yacht with Michael Douglas..Michael and I were doing some coke and Nipper was jerkin off in the corner..as usual, the last things on our minds was the News-Press!

so anyway, if we hurt anyone's feelings or ruined their careers, we're very sorry..we're very sorry that we have no ethics...can you teach those?? as publisher and owner of the News-Press, I promise I will provide more local stories and give fair and unbiased reports on issues that matter to you..

sincerely,
Wendy Pee McCuckoo

Amperslander Productions

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Poison Ivy

it's gonna take an ocean...of Calamine lotion..


well there was a post over at EDHAT and some guy was screaming about how everyone is threatened by the Cape Ivy that has grown on his property....
the dude has a full blown case of Non-Native Species Hysteria, sometimes called "bionativism"...

"Have people noticed the "cape ivy" spreading everywhere?? It is the pointy little leaves of ivy all over the place. It is green; it is non-native; and in my property, it is threatening to kill all of the native plants we have planted to provide a wildlife-friendly garden.

a wildlife-friendly garden?? WTF is that??
Because of the amount of rain this past year (a very good thing for our water table) DUH!!; this horrible scourge (it's a plant dickhead) has reached monumental proportions!
It threatens all of us. (no, it doesn't) This vine (native to South Africa) (and all them darkies) smothers all our native flora. It can take down an enormous oak tree. And it does. Thousands of native plants have been smothered by this vine.....and a real fire hazard is create by the dead ceanothus, lemonade berry, and other plants killed by this invasive and destructive vine"

as you can see, bionativism is rooted in racism and xenophobia

now please stop the bullshit.. Cape Ivy grows for a reason....it grows forthe same reason you and I grow..because it's alive...I'd post this on EDHAT but I'd have to subscribe and deal with the board nanny, ie censor...I can't have censorship, I can't have people trying to engage me in civility..I can't have it and I won't!!

now listen fuckbrains, just because it upsets you fussy native-only dickheads doesn't mean it will stop growing..well it will stop eventually, but Nature will stop it...not you...
Cape Ivy is beautiful...it grows after big rains and some plants get covered by it..so what....just because the plant are labeled "native" doesn't mean they are going to thrive here..what is with these people??
there is no need to panic..the ivy doesn't threaten me..at all..in the least....it grows up the trunks of some trees but seems to find the weakest ones..and that's good!
the thing is.....the more these knuckeheads try to kill these plants like ivy and thistle, the faster they grow back..this thistle on Highway 150 was killed by Caltrans..a total waste of tax money because the seeds will spread and the thistle will grow elsewhere..and it always grows back..
the point is leave the non native plants alone..mass removal of them is a waste of time and resources..they were meant to be here and if they really bother you..cut then down ONCE a year because the more you cut the faster they grow!

the biggest threat to plants and animals is LITTER.... discarded by PEOPLE!!!
fennel, ivy and all the bastard plants dispersed by the wind..long may you grow...

and this isn't fucking Disneyland..Nature decides what will grow and thrive, not you fucking yupppiehippiemuppiefuppie trail gnomes!!
god I love nature!